


How Could I

by orphan_account



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, Depression, Hurt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Tenth Doctor Era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2018-10-30 17:52:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10881924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The reader is a self-harmer and the Doctor, Rose, and Jack help them back up.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning! This does contain self-harm. Please do not read if this is upsetting to you. Thank you.  
> Also, if anyone has any suggestions, every comment is welcome. Enjoy!~

Chapter One

Locking the door to your room you slowly and quietly sit down, pushing the sleeves of your hoodie down and collapsing slowly, your back against the door, holding the blade.

Having woken up from another nightmare you knew that this late at night you wouldn't be getting back to sleep anytime soon. Sitting in the dark isn't good for you mind, it's quite self-destructive. Wanting to feel, to give some life to your body, to overcome the numbness you knew what to do. So, you grabbed the small wooden box from the bottom of your closet, took out the random pieces of paper, some speckled with blood, and took out the metal blade at the bottom. You did feel guilty. Of course you did. This only hurt you and it was only a matter of time before it ended up hurting Jack, or Rose. Or even worse, the Doctor.

The Doctor. You haven't known him for that long, only a few months, though in that short time you've grown to love him. You love all the people aboard the Tardis, human and non-human alike. But, there was something comforting about the Doctor. You didn't love him romantically though, no. Well, not yet at least. But he was kind. And helpful. And grounding in a way. And you knew how much it would hurt him to find you doing this.

Closing your eyes, you guide the blade across. With your back against the door and your knees up, you rest your wrists on your knees, watching the red droplets flow off your skin.

Slicing your skin a dozen more times on each arm you lean back against the door, tired from emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion. Even though you've been doing this for a while you still haven't had the courage to actually end it. That's not the point for you. It causes you pain, yes, but it pushes away the numbness that settles in your bones.

Jumping as someone knocks on your door, you push down your sleeves and slowly step back. Hearing the knock once again, you open the door to find Rose staring back at you, smiling.

"Hello (Y/N)!" she says, whispering but also being her usual cheery self. "I thought I heard something, what are you doing up at this hour?" she asks.

Looking back at the clock you realize it's nearly two in the morning and you look wide awake and dressed.

"Oh, you know. Just couldn't sleep," you chuckle nervously, putting your arms behind your back. "Why are you up?" you ask, trying to redirect the conversation to her.

"Same reason," she laughs, a genuine laugh, not like your fake one. "Can I come in?" the blonde asks, looking around. "Can't sleep and if you're not doing anything.." she asks as she moves closer to the door.

"Oh. Um, well, I was actually just going to go back to sleep. I think the doctor said it's a busy day tomorrow. Don't want to fall asleep while running for my life," you smile, trying to keep the conversation light while also trying desperately to get rid of Rose so you can go back to sulking in the corner.

"Oh. Ok. Well, sleep well then (Y/N)!" she says as she goes off. You can tell she's disappointed, and normally you would have loved to spend time with her, just not today.

As she walks away, you also silently thank her, for knocking you out of your vicious cycle tonight, even if it was unknowingly. As she disappears from view you sigh, closing the door. Putting away the blade you had stuffed into your pocket and cleaning up your arms, you fall asleep on the bed, too tired to do anything else.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have an injury and then a thoughtful conversation and evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I did post before but I wanted to edit more.
> 
> This does have mentions of blood and self harm.
> 
> And yeah, two chapters in one day. I was bored. Anyways, enjoy!~

Having safely gotten back to the Tardis after a long day of running from the Slitheen, everybody practically collapsed against the door as the Doctor slams it shut and the Tardis starts to hum as the Doctor sets in coordinates.

"Well, wasn't that fun!" the Doctor exclaims, clapping his hands together. "Is everyone set?" the Doctor asks, having put the coordinates into the Garcia and is and looking around.

As everyone nods, you suddenly feel pain blossom in your arm as the adrenaline wears off, and you look down to see your white and gray long sleeved flannel quickly turning bright red. As your eyes widen everybody turns to look at you, blood dripping from your arm, flowing down and onto the floor, you look up slowly. 

"Ha..Oops," you whisper as you feel yourself fall and everything goes black, only hearing a faint shout of your name before you black out in someone arms.

\--

As you slowly open your eyes you recognize the Tardis infirmary. Looking around you find that you are under a white sheet on a bed. Peering around the room more you see Rose sitting on a chair in the corner of the room, seemingly asleep.

Lifting the sheets up, you realize your top has been changed. Panicking, you wonder who changed you and what they saw. Surely they would have questions. One notable one comes to mind, "can I help with your bags?" they will ask as they kick me off the Tardis. Slowly getting up and shaking off your thoughts, you try to quietly walk to the door. As you reach for the handle, Rose suddenly wakes up.

Opening the door and running for your room, you lock the door behind you and run to the bed, tears already threatening to fall.

"No," you think to yourself. "Stop it (Y/N)! You're stronger than this!"

As you lie on the bed, you hear footsteps coming near.

"(Y/N)?" the voice you can tell is Rose asks. "It's Rose. Can I come in?" she asks.

"Where's the Doctor?" you ask, ignoring her question. "Where's Jack?" you ask again. You know it would be easier to deal with Rose than the other two and you really don't feel like this today.

"They're shopping. The Doctor needed some stuff for the Tardis and Jack went with him," Rose explains.

"Oh. Ok," you say as you unlock the door, trying to look more calm and collected than you feel. "Come in?" you ask.

"Thanks," Rose smiles, lighting up the room. "They feel really guilty you know," she says as she sits on the bed with a small smile.

"Why?" you ask, a bit surprised.

"You got hurt. You know the Doctor, (Y/N). Blames himself for anything. And Jack is just as bad, for people he cares about definitely," she says, motioning for you to sit down.

'Cares about?' you repeat Rose's words. As you close the door and go and sit down next to the blonde. "But..it was my fault. I should have been looking," I explain.

"We all should have, but they feel responsible. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you," she says, a bit more serious now.

"Oh? About what?" you ask, trying to act surprised, when, in reality, you know what Rose will ask.

"Are you ok?"

"Huh?" you ask, surpised. You thought for sure she would say something like "what in the world have you done to your wrists?" or "need help packing?" You are pretty certain it was Rose who undressed you, the Doctor and Jack would probably not do it, so you could assume she would want you gone. They won't want an infectious sad, mental, depressed monster on their perfect ship.

"Yeah, I'm fine. All healed. Why?" you answer a bit uneasy.

"Not just about your injury. Anyways, I was just asking to check," She responds as her eyes bore into yours. "Well, get some more rest, we'll be taking off soon as they get back," Rose says as she stands up. "But (Y/N)?" she asks, hand on the door.

"Yeah?"

"I'm here. Ok?"

"Yeah," you say, sighing as your friend walks out.

Laying down you think of what to do. Should you tell someone? But wouldn't that be selfish? Everyone already has their own problems. Maybe I'll tell Rose. Maybe she'll understand. I've been with her the longest, ever since our old store blew up that night. You saw her running and decided to follow, making sure she was alright. There, you met the Doctor. So different from how he is right now, but then again, not by that much. It hadn't taken long for you to form a connection between both of them, and then you're whisked through the universe. Same thing for Jack. You had met him while hanging over a town with Rose. Good memories. between both of them, and then you're whisked through the universe. Same thing for Jack. You had met him while hanging over a town with Rose. Good memories. But would they understand? Who knows.

Shaken from your thoughts as the Tardis moves and then stops, you get off of the bed, change your shirt, and are off to the main control room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope it wasn't that bad.
> 
> See you next chapter!~


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor takes the four of you to another side of New Earth where some weird black soot seems to be falling from the sky. (Part One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Shorter chapter this time, but part one. Hope you enjoy! Also, it's more adventure-y than emotional for this chapter.

Chapter Three- Part One

"Where are we going?" you ask looking around the control room as you enter.

"New Earth!" the Doctor exclaims, smiling at you as he bounds towards the door.

"New Earth? Haven't we already been there?" you ask, looking a bit confused.

"Well, you can't see a whole planet in a day!" the Doctor explains as he opens the doors and you expect fresh air to blow in.

Coughing as mist rushes in, the Doctor quickly closes the door.

"What's that?" Rose asks, covering her mouth with her sleeve. 

"Pollution," the Doctor explains. "Not all of New Earth is full of Apple grass, just like not all of your Earth is green and lovely," he says. "Here, put these on," he says as he hands you gas masks.

"I think I can handle just a bit of fog," says Jack, looking at the Doctor.

"Not this fog. It's... Almost unonnatural," says the Doctor as even he puts on his gas mask. As Jack puts his , the four of you step out of the Tardis. Looking around at New Earth you see small piles and clumps of black soot along the ground, clinging to the ground and to you.

"What is this stuff?" You ask, picking up some of the black powder and examining it.

"Hard to tell, but I would say some sort of secretion," the Doctor answers and you quickly drop it.

"Like..from something?" Rose asks.

"Probably more like someone," the Doctor answers, looking around at the setting. Few buildings are visible and those that are look like they have been abandoned.

"What happened here?" asks Jack, walking off a bit. "Obviously the black..stuff is fairly new," he says, coming back to the rest of you.

"I don't know," he Doctor says frowning. "Well," he claps, "Let's go find out!" he says as he grabs Rose and pulls her along with him as he walks towards the buildings. 

A bit disappointed he didn't drag you along you walk off to join him, shortly followed by Jack. Even though you have known the Doctor about as long as Rose, she still has a better and stronger connection with him. However, you're still friends. As Jack walks past, he pulls you along with him, running towards Rose and the Doctor to catch up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, tell me what you think if you can. Horrible so far? Ok so far? Good so far? Any feedback helps.
> 
> Until next time!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding more about the soot you look for the source.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 3- Part Two

"Where is this coming from? You hear Rose ask as you come closer.

"Well, normally bad stuff comes from tall, ominous building so..ah-ha!" says the Doctor as he points to a tall black skyscraper near the center of the large city that is now in view over a small grassy, soot covered hill to the left of the ruined buildings. "If I had to guess, and I do have to, I'd say it's coming from there," the Doctor starts as he starts to walk in the direction of said building. "Let's start there,"

Walking with the little Tardis group you look around as you enter the city. It looks very modern, and it gives a general happy feel as you walk through the town. Suddenly, you feel lighter. As if you had had a weight on your shoulders and you only didn't realize it until now.

As you continue to go into the center of the city the feeling gets stronger and you almost don't realize that the soot is getting lighter. Thinking back to winters on earth, original earth, you stick out your tounge to catch a flake when you're suddenly pulled back.

"Huh?" you ask as you look around.

"I would advise not eating this stuff," says the Doctor as he looks up and then back at you. "It's some sort of..almost drug like substance. Maybe it is a drug. Whatever the case is, don't eat it," he explains as he looks at you seriously.

"What's wrong with a little artificial happiness?" you ask, feeling more confident, probably because of this soot.

"You don't want this kind. It's too artificial. Not good," the Doctor sternly says. "Don't. Eat,"

"Ok, ok. Fine," you grumble a bit at his sterness.

"Great!" says the Doctor, cheery now. "Come on, ominous black buildings await!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, hopefully that wasn't that bad. Also, sorry they chapters are getting shorter. With exams and other stuff I don't have much time to write. Anyway, hope you enojoyed, and if so or if not tell me if you could.
> 
> See you soon!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Into the building!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! An update!!
> 
> Also, I haven't put pronouns yet but for the reader, male or female? Which do you prefer? Whichever more people prefer is the one I'll do.

As you come to the foot of the large building you look up, to see the top maybe thirty to fourth floors up. The entire building is black and shiny and it seems like no one is near or in it from where you are.

Like the busy city you had just walked through, the area surrounding the building was busy and loud. However, unlike you, no one seemed to be exiting or entering this building.

Walking up to the door you follow the Doctor and his companions through the giant, black glass doors and to what looks like a main lobby.

Benches, seemingly unused on either side of the black room, and black tiles greet you as you walk in.

About ten feet from the doors, there is a desk, with pair's of door on either side and what looks like a recipient behind the counter. She looks human enough, though you know she can't be.

With long blue hair and a black shirt to match what looks like the theme of this place she looks at you, surprised.

"Hello," the Doctor smiles as he walks over the the desk, his little entourage following him.

"Hello," she responds, looking all of you up and down. "I'm sorry, but could you wait while I check if you're on the waiting list?" she asks as she bends down behind the desk.

"Do you have a name?" Jack asks, leaning against the counter as the Doctor rolls his eyes.

"Bennie," she responds as she looks up, seemingly unfazed. "And you lot? You have names where you come from?" Bennie asks as she stands up with a list attached to a clipboard. As she reads, she waits for answer.

"Sure," Rose says, leaning closer. "M' Rose, this is (Y/N), Jack, and the Doctor," she responds as she points to each of you people as she says their names.

"The Doctor?" she asks as she looks up from the list she had gotten. "Oh, well didn't you say so? They told me you would be here soon," she says as she walks out from behind the desk, and towards one of the pair's of doors on either side of her.

"Well come on," she says as she shares at you. "Don't make them wait," she guides.

"Right. The Doctor says as he moves along,"

"Um..sorry, who are they?" you ask.

As Bennie looks at you surprised you realize that may not have been the best thing to say while trying to blend in.

"Sorry," the Doctor jumps in. "(Y/N) hasn't been on New Earth long, only recently joined me from their home planet. Haven't had time to explain who they are, I wanted to get here quickly," the Doctor explains, weaving a story from thin air.

"Yeah, don't worry, I'm sure one of us can explain," the Doctor says, gesturing to Jack and Rose.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to know before? It would be easier for (Y/N) probably," Bennie says, looking at you a bit sympathetically.

"Well, if you don't mind," you respond, a bit embarrassed.

"Might as well," Bennie says, changing to being annoyed suddenly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't put pronouns yet but for the reader, male or female? Which do you prefer? Whichever more people prefer is the one I'll do.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead! Yay! Now don't kill me for not updating!   
> I'm really really sorry it took me so long to update :( I'll try to be more consistent

"Into here," Bennie says as she leads the way into a small room. The room is mostly black, like the rest of the building. However, there is an oval table in the middle of the room, with chairs surrounding it. Four chairs.

Gesturing to the chairs, Bennie moves the the front of the room, after having closed the door behind her. You watch as the Doctor and Rose sit on one side of the table and Jack takes a seat on the other side. Pulling out the dark chair, you carefully take a seat, still looking around the room as you do so.

"Right," Bennie starts as she sees everyone is seated. "As you know, you are in the center building of New Earth, the focal point of modern day civilization. And you know about the history of New Earth I presume?" She asks.

The Doctor looks around at you and Rose and then Jack.

"Welllllll I think I wouldn't hurt to have a refresher," he says, looking around.

"Very well," Bennie says, sighing. "This is New Earth," she says, gesturing around. "After it's founding, New Earth was a peaceful planet. Mainly inhabited by humanoids, like me, but others are not uncommon. However, sixty years ago the war broke out between our planet and neighboring one. The war lasted for many years, and ended only ten years ago," she says, looking around the room as she speaks.

"New Earth was devastated by the way. The economy was failing, people were dying, and everything was falling apart. Until He came. He came and with him He brought happiness. This is His home," she explains, motioning around. "And you," she says as she looks at the Doctor. "Are his guest,"

The Doctor looks around, making the contact with you.

"Right. Well then. Can we meet this 'almighty Him' then?" Jack asks, with a sarcastic edge to his voice.

"Right this way," Bennie says, glaring a bit at Jack as he only smiles at her.

Leading the way through the hallway and up the stairs, Bennie then stops in front of two white doors.

"Through here please," she gestures.

The Doctor looks back at everyone, shrugs and goes forward. You follow him, about to follow through the doors when Bennie's voice stops you.

"I'm sorry, I only have the Doctor's name on the list. You'll have to wait here," she says, looking at you, Jack, and Rose.

Slightly deflated, you stop, and start to turn around. Silly (y/n) you think to yourself. Why would they want me there too?

"No," you hear the Doctor's voice cut through your thoughts. "They stay," he says, staring at Bennie.

"I'm sorry, but-"

"They stay," the Doctor cuts her off. 

"I..fine," she says, turning around to go back the way she came, and you turn back to the Doctor, only to see him wink at you.

Smiling, you Doctor gestures towards the door. "Well, let's meet Him, shall we?"

Smiling, Rose joins him, looking back at you and Jack. "Let's"

Following the two of them through the door, you are all met with bright light, a stark contrast to the dark corridor.

"Ah. Hello, Doctor,"

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that didn't go too badly. Hope you didn't hate it at least. See you soon!


End file.
